Friday, November 19, 2010

The Prude Solves Airline Security

After yesterday’s post, The Prude realizes she would like to be practical once in awhile. Solve some of the world’s problems. Make it not only more civil, but safer.
In a modest sort of way.
The Prude refers, of course, to the current trend of scanning people and giving them love pats at airports.
And while prudes everywhere are advocates of safety in travel, most of us would rather walk to Europe on foot than submit to photos of us in the altogether, or permit a stranger to play patty-fingers with those off-limits areas between our chins and our knees.

So The Prude has come up with a solution.
One that involves NO X-ray vision through our garments. One in which there is no need for anyone to rummage our anatomy.
One that may (although The Prude is a little fuzzy on this) save airlines tens of millions of dollars a year. After the initial investment, of course.

Behold, The Lozenge.
The Lozenge is a fully encapsulated, poddish sort of movable unit that will revolutionize air travel.
Here’s how it will work:

A line of Lozenges will await passengers at each gate in the terminal.
-Each passenger will enter a Lozenge, which will be transported through the tunnel (ala the Jetsons, or possibly the Tunnel of Love ride at the carnival)) onto the plane, and locked into place.
-Each passenger will spend the rest of the flight in his/her Lozenge, until the destination is reached and the Lozenges will transport their passengers back out into the terminal.
-Each Lozenge will be fully pressurized, or whatever it is that allows one to breathe at high altitudes.
-Each Lozenge will float, allowing one to survive (although possibly upside down) in watery environs.
And- this is the best of all-
Do you see the genius here?
Even if some cretin (The Prude is moved to strong language when speaking of those who willingly kill others) DOES get a bomb on the plane, the only person said cretin will blow up is himself!!!!!

The Prude, while addressing issues such as comfort (note the pillow) tray tables, and ample storage for carry-ons, realizes there are some kinks to work out:
1) It will be difficult to get food/beverages in. This is assuming that somewhere in the world an airline still feeds its passengers.
2) It will be difficult for passengers to attend the call of nature. Which may be partially alleviated by the ‘no food or beverage’ problem outlined in #1.
But every revolutionary invention has some kinks. Remember MS-Dos?

For now The Prude is feeling quite smug and practical.
Today, airline security.
Tomorrow, social security.


Lori said...

Wise thinking, Prude! When in doubt, look to the Jetsons. The whole Skype idea (which I'd never dreamed would become a reality)must have originated there.

mom said...

LOL! How did you ever come up with the name "lozenge" for this idea?

Tammy ~@~

Danielle said...

Genius! I wonder why no one ever thought of it before!

Tammy said...

Love it! And remember, flying to the moon sounded crazy at one time too! :)

The Prude said...

Thank you all. Remember where you saw it first.

It needs a little work, I'll admit.
It looked more like a lozenge before I
added that odd little front porch on the bottom left.
Maybe I did that for people with size 15 shoes?

Unnamed airline Captain said...

Sounds good to me... Should only increase the cost of a ticket by one-thousand percent or so, but oh well, that's the price of security, comfort, and privacy. I'm all for it!
I think the Flight Attendants will like it, too.

The Prude said...

Thank you, UA Captain :)

Anonymous said...

A nice alternative to the porn and grope airline security! - Joanie

Robin J. Steinweg said...

This is SWEET! Hey, you could do something like Dr. Who, where you have a British phone booth-sized lozenge on the outside, but on the inside, it's got a suite of rooms (it has a loo, don't ya know), including a private movie theatre, kitchenette, pull-out bed, work-out area, and spa.
Can you do that?
Of course you can, you're The Prude! You have the vision of the Future. You have the ear of unknown airline pilots. You have the eye of the government, I'm sure. Just wait and see. You are the Buck Rogers of Prudism.

A Circle of Quiet said...

Eagerly awaiting the social security post, oh wise one.