Following are the 5:30 a.m. ads that had the most profound effect on The Prude.
Airing on several channels were testimonials of middle-aged people who lost dozens of pounds after doing Hip Hop Abs or something called Zumba.
Participants contort themselves in a high-speed frenzy to upbeat musical numbers led by very damp and shiny people in various states of undress.
The Prude knows how these people lost those pounds.
During mid hip-hop, or early zumba, something somewhere in the middle-aged bodies snapped, making trips to the refrigerator or pantry impossible.
Consider yourself warned.
Those of you who allow your youngsters to read this blog may want to censor this next section. And keep a close eye on all your children’s early morning viewing habits.
The Prude continued flicking through channels, occasionally stopping to admire the size and variety of permed coiffures and/or mullets on 1980’s ‘Saved by the Bell’ reruns, or taking a second to Save the Date (April 29) for the wedding of William and Kate.
Then she happened upon the most gruesome infomercial of all times.
One that could be used as filler for a horror movie or possibly an ‘adult entertainment’ show.
There, filling the entire TV screen, was a close-up of an unshod, totally in the buff, rosy, soapy foot moving in a backwards and forwards motion on a huge, bristled Frankenstein-shaped open boot positioned in the bottom what appeared to be a bathtub.
It is kind of infomercial you don’t want to see alone at night. OR let your hormonal teenage son watch.
The Prude, never a fan of even dry toes, watched in horrified fascination as middle-aged people, possibly those damaged by zumba-ing, described how their lives were changed by this automatic foot washing machine, now that they no longer had to lift their feet to scrub between their toes, or bend at the middle to reach down to said toes. And then the camera would break away from the happy, non-lathered faces for yet another ghastly up-close-and-personal view of those bubbly, Au natural tootsies.
(The Prude hoping to avoid copyright infringement, has reproduced below the foot-scrubber in action.)
But please, don't blame her for any nightmares. She attempted in the above drawing to reproduce a likeness approved for all audiences.. And she promises you will never see HER disrobed foot on TV. Ever.
Come back tomorrow, if you don’t mind, because we really need to discuss Thanksgiving.