Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hold the Toes. Please.

Whenever The Prude struggles with topics on which to expound, she turns to that never-failing supply of $19.95-plus-shipping-and-handling early morning infomercials.
And Voila.
Tuesday’s Post.

Following are the 5:30 a.m. ads that had the most profound effect on The Prude.

Airing on several channels were testimonials of middle-aged people who lost dozens of  pounds after doing Hip Hop Abs or something called Zumba.
Participants contort themselves in a high-speed frenzy to upbeat musical numbers led by very damp and shiny people in various states of undress.
The Prude knows how these people lost those pounds.
During mid hip-hop, or early zumba, something somewhere in the middle-aged bodies snapped, making trips to the refrigerator or pantry impossible.
Consider yourself warned.

Those of you who allow your youngsters to read this blog may want to censor this next section. And keep a close eye on all your children’s early morning viewing habits.

The Prude continued flicking through channels, occasionally stopping to admire the size and variety of permed coiffures and/or mullets on 1980’s ‘Saved by the Bell’ reruns, or taking a second to Save the Date (April 29) for the wedding of William and Kate.
And then.
Then she happened upon the most gruesome infomercial of all times.
One that could be used as filler for a horror movie or possibly an ‘adult entertainment’ show. 
There, filling the entire TV screen, was a close-up of an unshod, totally in the buff, rosy, soapy foot moving in a backwards and forwards motion on a huge, bristled Frankenstein-shaped open boot positioned in the bottom what appeared to be a bathtub.
It is kind of infomercial you don’t want to see alone at night. OR let your hormonal teenage son watch.
The Prude, never a fan of even dry toes, watched in horrified fascination as middle-aged people, possibly those damaged by zumba-ing, described how their lives were changed by this automatic foot washing machine, now that they no longer had to lift their feet to scrub between their toes, or bend at the middle to reach down to said toes. And then the camera would break away from the happy, non-lathered faces for yet another ghastly up-close-and-personal view of those bubbly, Au natural tootsies.

(The Prude hoping to avoid copyright infringement, has reproduced below the foot-scrubber in action.)

But please, don't blame her for any nightmares. She attempted in the above drawing  to reproduce a likeness approved for all audiences.. And she promises you will never see HER disrobed foot on TV. Ever.
Come back tomorrow, if you don’t mind, because we really need to discuss Thanksgiving.


Tammy said...

You are too funny! We saw that the other night. I was faced with many boyish questions like "Huh?" and "Whats the big deal about washing between your toes?" at which point I was flooded with the guilt that can only come from a dearly departed grandmother who would've not only delivered a fine lecture on the importance but would've grabbed their little footsies and scrubbed between each toe with a slightly too hot sudsy washcloth. Anyway, my 11 year old wants one because they said it would change his life. He's hoping it will make him taller.

Tammy said...

BTW - i want you to know that I showed your picture to my 8 and 11 year olds and they both immediately identified it correctly. You are quite the computer artist. ;)

Danielle said...

Zumba is awesome!! And why would anyone be too lazy to wash their own feet?!?!?!? 0.o

The Prude said...

Tammy, you have extremely intelligent children. I sincerely hope your 11 year old can find a more conventional method to grow taller.

Danielle honey, of COURSE you like Zumba.
You are nowhere near middle age.
let me know what you think in-say- 30 years :)

Robin J. Steinweg said...

further note to the sweet and VERY young Danielle:

It's not laziness. It's bodies. Middle-aged bodies shouldn't have the word "middle" anymore, because they begin not to want to bend in the middle anymore. Either there is extraneous skin in the way, or the back makes loud protests up and down the remainder of the body.

Robin J. Steinweg said...

Dear Prude,

Thank you for warning us about early morning television. I had heard about late-night television, but this is shocking, really.

With Prude on the job, we don't need to worry quite so much about our little prudettes.

The Prude said...

Robin. You are a nut.

Robin J. Steinweg said...

Yes, an oak-wanna-be.