Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Exvotions- what they are, why they won’t get your mouth washed out with soap
Prudes by nature do not approve of swearing. Watch one of us when a 4-letter word flies around the room. The Prude present will glare at the nasty word till it shrivels and dies in midair, falls to the floor, and is ground to pulp under a sensible shoe. People sometimes mistake this prudish glare for a shocked look. Prudes are never shocked by naughtiness. Outraged and disapproving? Certainly. Shocked? Goodness no.
But Prudes know humans and their corresponding natures. They know that certain situations call for the generation of more explosive vocal resonations than a simple little ‘Oh Dear!”
Today the Prude will highlight the need for explosive vocal resonations (exvotions for short)
Tomorrow we will list some proper exvotion words. But be aware that exvotions are not, repeat NOT, euphemisms for naughty words. Exvotions are socially acceptable, Prude-approved sounds based on scientific reasoning. The Prude will throw around words like ‘larynx’ and ‘articulators’ and ‘phonation’ to prove her scientific reasonableness.
The need for exvotions arises when you find yourself in situations such as the following:
- the accidental application of athlete’s foot spray to a new hairdo instead of the more socially acceptable and effective hairspray
- a hail storm that creates craters in a vehicle the day after extended insurance coverage for that vehicle was canceled.
-a graceful leap over a puddle which ends tragically in a mis-step, a tumble, and a bottomside first fall back into said puddle
-The entire subset of accidental dealings with animal waste products, including stepping in them and having them fall on one’s head
-The entire subset of bodily pratfalls, including stubbing one’s toe on one’s husband’s crankshaft left inexplicably in the middle of the kitchen floor at night, walking into a door left inexplicably open in the middle of the night, or banging one’s thumb with a hammer any time of the day or night.
This is merely the tip of exvotion-inducing circumstances. They all call for a release of sound from one’s larynx, past one’s articulators and out of one’s mouth.
However, there are words you can use that will not be glared into an early grave by any Prude who happens to be present.
And tomorrow The Prude will introduce you to