Monday, January 3, 2011

The Salmonella is Coming! The Salmonella is Coming!





The Prude has been fighting the same battle since the beginning of her marriage.

The battle over undercooked meat.
Her only weapon?
A meat thermometer.

When young, starry-eyed Prude first met her husband, she noted that he would, on passing a quantity of raw hamburger on the counter, pinch off a bit and consume it.

The enamored Prude was horrified by the carnage but didn’t step into the fray till she was legitimately entitled to participate in the conflict. In other words, till Mr. Prude said ‘I do’ and white-gowned Prude said ‘I will’

Thence commenced the eternal battle between flavor and safety.
The Prude would allow her family to eat only meat that reached 165 degrees on her meat thermometer.

Meatloaves, cooked to 165 degrees according to Prude’s thermometer, resembled, in size and mass (although not value) a gold brick.

Foot-long hot dogs shrunk to the size of cocktail eenies (the dropped ‘w’ is not a typo. The Prude hates that word).

Chicken breasts at 165 degrees were of a dryness so incredible that the meat would stick in the Prude Family’s throat and couldn’t be dislodged without copious amounts of Crisco.

But did the Prude, her husband, or children ever suffer from salmonella, trichinosis, or gastroenteritis?

Never. And don’t listen when they complain about trips to the emergency room for poultry meat stuck in their gullets or  hamburger patties eaten in 2002 that have taken up permanent residence in their digestive systems. They are inclined to hyperbole.

This past weekend The Prude made an astounding and earth-shaking discovery.
Her only weapon in the war on food borne illnesses- her meat thermometer- has never been calibrated. It is 20 degrees off.

Please don’t tell her family.

4 comments:

Tammy said...

LOL - I'm just a hopelessly bad cook who overcooks everything and anything that goes in the oven. But pasta... that I can do. :)

Happy New Year to you dear Prude!

The Prude said...

Happy New Year Tammy- my commenter with the huge pile of brownie points!

ScheltyFly said...

Huh, meat thermometer? Oh yeah, that thing that looks like a speedometer on a stick. I could never cook beef that long... it would lose all its pink tender yumminess!

And how did you learn that your thermometer was off? Too high/too low? Details! I'm thinking you cooked things longer than you needed based on their "brick" descriptions...

The Prude said...

Sandy- when everything I cooked was dry and crispy all the way through and the thermometer still registered 120-140 degrees, I began to get suspicious. And when the little thingy in the turkey would pop up, indicating healthy done-ness but my thermometer still was in that 140 range I knew I had problems.
For the record my guys now all eat medium-rare meat and I prefer a hint of warm pinkiness in my beef.