And The Prude is conflicted. Prudes are never so content as when they find world situations that demand a good lecture, a good Time Out and a good overhaul.
HOWEVER, when these situations worm their way into The Prude’s own household, nay, her own person, that contentment is somewhat dampened, nay, totally obliterated. And her reaction can only be described as crotchety.
But if you have broad enough shoulders to bear with a little whining, read on. And determine for yourself if her orneriness is not justified.
Stubborn Sneeze Syndrome
This was manifested all through the night somewhere in the upper echelons of her nasal cavity. Either because of the warmth, the company of other sneezes-to-be also lodging in her nose, or just sheer pig-headedness, The Sneeze refused to do its prescribed duty and erupt into the atmosphere. Goodness knows The Prude tried. She lectured and cajoled and threatened all night but as of this current moment The Sneeze is ignoring all eviction notices.
|The Prude Demonstrating the Position of the Stubborn Sneeze|
Hereditary Horrible Memory Disorder
2 out of 3 Prude children have been afflicted with this, as well as (forgive me, sis, but it must be said) one of the Prude’s siblings. She will remain un-named but she knows who she is.
The Prude, as she has mentioned before (she thinks) cannot remember from 12:00 to noon. Yes, the synonymous 12:00 and noon. She literally forgot she had 3 children once and left her infant in a carseat at Culver’s.
The Prude is counting on daughters-in-law who are not afflicted with the Family Curse to water down the Horrible Memory Genes and give The Prude memory-rich grandchildren. Who she will try not to forget at Culvers.
Wrong Lyrics Entirely Condition.
The Prude does not have the excuse of misheard lyrics for this condition. Not like her friend’s mother who thought ‘Hang On Sloopy’ was ‘Hang On Stoopid’ or her son’s VBS song ‘Joy is the flag flown high From the castle of my heart
When the King is in residence there’
which became ‘Cuz the King and the Presidents There’
NO. In this condition this morning The Prude sings, over and over again, to a song she knows perfectly well, the following lyrics:
‘When the moon hits your eye like a bigga pumpkin pie, that’s amore…’
She can’t help but think Wrong Lyrics Entirely Condition is directly related to Stubborn Sneeze Syndrome and once the sneeze is evicted from her nose she can sing more meaningfully and heartfeltidly about being hit in the eye by a bigga PIZZA pie.
That will be Amore.