Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lament of a Christmas Tree Puritan

Life can be difficult for a Christmas Tree Puritan.  There are rituals to be observed.
Timetables to be met.
Regulations to be obeyed.
This year The Prude and her family, a group of Christmas Tree Puritans, observed
every ritual, regulation and timetable
but one.
And that has made all the difference.

First Item on Timetable
-get a tree no later than the 2nd weekend after Thanksgiving
Check

Ritual #1
Go into the wilderness and chop down a tree.
Check.

Ritual #2
Decorate the tree fulsomely and allow the baby of the family, assisted by dad, to put the angel on top.
Check


Regulation B
Make sure the tree looks all warm and delightful at night.
Check

Second Item on Timetable
Tree must remain up until after New Year's Day.

And this is when the Christmas Tree Puritans realize they have omitted
Regulation A
Get a Frasier Fir because they will not shed their needles-ever.
A Frasier Fir could survive the whirlwind trip from Kansas to Oz with every needle intact.

But our impulsive Christmas Tree Puritans this year choose a lovely, plump, majestic non-Frasier Fir.
They didn't realize till after they were committed to it that this particular non-Frasier has a genetic tendency to balding.

They drop needles when trucks rumble by, when the 13 pound dog passes, when air molecules wander into the vicinity.

But  true Christmas Tree Puritans will not abandon ship. They will not deviate from the Second Item on the Timetable.


The tree stays up until after New Year's Day.
Check.

8 comments:

Wallydraigle said...

I love how your "baby" is like seven feet tall.

beth BA said...

First Item on Timetable
-get a tree no later than the 2nd weekend after Christmas
Did you really mean "Christmas" or should it read "Thanksgiving"?

ScheltyFly said...

White pines do not shed?!?!?! I don't think yours is a white pine... We always bought a white pine because they held ALL their needles for all eternity, until the goats stripped them bare in their pen. The needles in your pic do not look long enough or in groups of 5 needles per pack. :( I think you got a spruce and this defender of both white pines as Christmas trees and truth in blogging must stand and say so. ♥

The Prude said...

Fact check: My baby is actually a fuzz under 7 ft.
Yes, it should read 2 weeks after THANKSGIVING.
And I proofread 3x this morning!!!!!!
I plan to spend my lunch break researching evergreen trees.
My apologies to white pines and their admirers.
It's a good thing I don't get paid for this blog- I'd end up owing money for all the errors.

The Prude said...

Glory be! I just figured out that I can repair faulty posts even after I have put them into the public eye!

Hey- anyone else see any problems? It's OK- I can fix them!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps it was a spruce -- white pines have long needles and seldom shed. Spruce shed their needles at the drop of a hat. Balsam also shed, but not as fast as spruce. I know that because my father and his brother had discussions every
Christmas about the needle longevity of their respective favorites. Balsam (my dad's choice) always held needles longer than the spruce of my uncle, no matter how faithfully both trees were watered. Frasier firs are the absolute best, though, of the shorter needled trees -- as their price reveals:-)

The Prude said...

Anonymous- you may be right!!!!

Lori said...

I loved the picture of Kaleb being helped. Hilarious!!