Today The Prude conducts a fantasy interview with Former Speaker of the House and current Republican Candidate Newt Gingrich.
Prude: Mr. Gingrich, let me begin by noting with profound relief that your given name has no relation to the salamander family, but is short for ‘Newton’. Like the famous scientist Sir Isaac Newton.
Mr. G.: Hmmhmm.
Prude: My research yielded fascinating results. There are several astounding comparisons that could be made with famous folks.
For example, your second name is Leroy. Leroy Jethro Gibbs of the TV show NCIS has had 3 wives. Or 4 depending on which rerun you watch. You are on your 3rd wife.
Mr. G: Hmmmm
Prude: Also, Henry the Eight switched from Catholic to Protestant after a few divorces. You switched from Protestant to Catholic after a few divorces.
Mr. G: Ummmm.
Prude: AND you lived in Hummelstown. Which leads me to wonder if you ever considered maybe adding a little flip to your hair?
Mr. G: Hmmm?
Prude: Let’s get to some of the issues. You believe to be competitive with China we need to improve education in math and science. But you yourself are a historian. Don’t you feel that this is flip-flopping?
Mr. G: Huh?
Prude: You are interested in animals and zoos. But you ALSO are interested in dinosaurs and dinosaur research. Mr. Gingrich, this could open a can of raptors we won’t be able to close. I recommend you watch ‘Jurassic Park’ and see what happens when huge meat eating creatures are gathered into one spot for the public’s viewing pleasure.
Mr. G: Whaaa...?
Prude: And while I appreciate that you want a strong America with a balanced budget, a limited judiciary and a slew of scientists and mathematicians, the Prudes of America can’t let your following quote pass without censure:
“...We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.”
Please, Mr. Gingrich, could you PLEASE still encourage at least the neat part if you get to be President? Mr. Gingrich? Why are you grabbing your head? Oh, I see. You’ve managed to work up that little flip in your hair!
Tomorrow: Who is Jon Huntsman and why is someone saying absolutely nothing about him?