Mr. Gingrich? Just one more question please.

Today The Prude conducts a fantasy interview with Former Speaker of the House and current Republican Candidate Newt Gingrich. 

Prude: Mr. Gingrich, let me begin by noting with profound relief that your given name has no relation to the salamander family, but is short for ‘Newton’. Like the famous scientist Sir Isaac Newton.

Mr. G.: Hmmhmm.

Prude: My research yielded fascinating results. There are several astounding comparisons that could be made with famous folks.

For example, your second name is Leroy. Leroy Jethro Gibbs of the TV show NCIS has had 3 wives. Or 4 depending on which rerun you watch. You are on your 3rd wife. 

Mr. G: Hmmmm

Prude: Also, Henry the Eight switched from Catholic to Protestant after a few divorces. You switched from Protestant to Catholic after a few divorces.

Mr. G: Ummmm.

Prude: AND you lived in Hummelstown.  Which leads me to wonder if you ever considered maybe adding a little flip to your hair?

Mr. G: Hmmm?

Prude: Let’s get to some of the issues. You believe to be competitive with China we need to improve education in math and science. But you yourself are a historian. Don’t you feel that this is flip-flopping?

Mr. G: Huh?

Prude: You are interested in animals and zoos. But you ALSO are interested in dinosaurs and dinosaur research. Mr. Gingrich, this could open a can of raptors we won’t be able to close. I recommend you watch ‘Jurassic Park’ and see what happens when huge meat eating creatures are gathered into one spot for the public’s viewing pleasure.

Mr. G: Whaaa...?

Prude: And while I appreciate that you want a strong America with a balanced budget, a limited judiciary and a slew of scientists and mathematicians, the Prudes of America can’t let your following quote pass without censure:

“...We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.”

Please, Mr. Gingrich, could you PLEASE still encourage at least the neat part if you get to be President? Mr. Gingrich? Why are you grabbing your head? Oh, I see. You’ve managed to work up that little flip in your hair!

Tomorrow: Who is Jon Huntsman and why is someone saying absolutely nothing about him?

Meet Michele. Make that 'Roz'

When the Prude calls Michele Bachmann an over achiever, she probably means that she is jealous of the Republican presidential candidate.

The woman was a straight-A cheerleader. She won a Miss Congeniality beauty contest. She worked on a kibbutz in Israel, gave birth to five kids and fostered oodles more. She helped start a charter school, was a lawyer for the Treasury Dept. and became the 1st Republican woman to represent Minnesota in Congress.  She is older than The Prude. But cuter.

Here is what people like about Candidate Bachmann:

she is extremely conservative fiscally and politically

she is extremely outspoken on her conservative Christian views

she is extremely cute in a conservative sort of way. 

Here is what people hate about her:

she is extremely conservative fiscally and politically

she is extremely outspoken on her conservative Christian views

she is extremely cute, in a conservative sort of way.

What obstacles does she have to overcome?

She is, by conservative estimates, so far behind the other candidates in Iowa that Iowa corn stands higher in the polls than she does.

What does she have going for her?

She won her Minnesota Senate seat against Elwyn Tinklenberg.

Now she is running against Mitt and Newt. Her record of beating gentlemen with unusual names is stellar.

What plug can The Prude give her?

Her tendency to engage in the hyperbole so dear to The Prude’s heart.

How would The Prude advise Michele Bachmann?

That name. It is so straight-A Minnesota cheerleader.

She needs a nickname that will give her broader appeal without falling into the salamander/slugger/snicker categories.

I’m hovering between ‘Roz’ and ‘Harley’. 

If you have any other nicknames let The Prude know.  We’ll suggest them to Candidate Bachmann. It may not be too late to  give her a fighting chance in Iowa.

Tomorrow: Meet and Greet Newt Gingrich!

Quirks of the Cosmos Thursday: O! A! O!

Consider these words:

vOlcAnO

 tOrnAdO

The similarity jumps off the page and slaps you right upside the head.

Several miscellaneous consonants interspersed at exact intervals by the vowels

O,A and O.

In that order.

Add to these incredible similarities that both refer to natural disasters of epic proportions,

and The Prude is convinced you will not judge her when you read the following humiliation she endured as a young and impressionable Prudling.

Little Prude, at the time of her mortification, lived in northeast Iowa.

Do you know how flat that part of Iowa is? 

This flat: _________________________________________________

But Little Prude was worried. She had a secret fear, developed during her first viewing of

‘The Wizard of Oz.’

She trembled.

She wrung her hands.

She started every time she heard a rumble of thunder.

Her mother, who had 2 babies to take care of, was not going to allow her middle child to turn into a flaming neurotic.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Sure you can. Tell Mommy what is the matter.”

“I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“I don’t want to say.”

This went on for several days. Little Prude trembling and wringing and growing increasingly anxious, Mother changing diapers, making up bottles and growing increasingly frustrated.

Finally she erupted.

“Just whisper in my ear what it is you are so afraid of! NOW!”

Mother’s ‘NOW!’ was not to be disobeyed.

Little Prude drew close to Mother’s ear.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have a vOlcAnO here soon!”

That did it. Mother exploded in laughter, called Father at work and even shared the fear with the neighbors on the party line, all before Little Prude could gather her wits and remember that she had superimposed one catastrophe over another.

“No! I meant tOrnAdO!”

But it was too late.

Every hillock and mound system was called out.

“Honey, look! A vOlcAnO!!!!!!”

The Prude believes the correct term for her true fear is

whIrlwInd.