Do Candidate Huntsman a Favor. Hate Him.

The Prude should contact Jon Huntsman.

Who?

Huntsman. Jon. Utah governor. Ambassador to China. Republican Presidential candidate.Boy Scout.

It’s this last one that, in the Prude’s opinion, is responsible for him flying lower under the public recognition radar than a dust bunny avoiding a vacuum cleaner.

If you’ll recall from yesterday, Newt Gingrich believes there is no place in politics for nice Boy Scouts. 

Maybe, much as it pains the Prude to admit it, Jon should listen to Newt.

Nobody seems to hate him.

And if a self-proclaimed ‘center-right conservative’ who is sort of a Mormon, sort of against global warming, sort of for a health care mandate and sort of disliking illegal immigration can’t get anyone to love his policies, he better get someone to hate him.

He better get a lot of people to hate him really quickly or he’ll be sucked up into the vacuum cleaner of obscurity along with past presidential hopefuls.

(Remember Jim Gilmore? Dennis Kucinich? There you have it.)

Mr. Huntsman needs to do or say something outrageous. He needs to get nasty. 

He’s got to lose the quiet speaking voice and get strident. Maybe he could make snide comments in the Mandarin Chinese he speaks so well. Few folks would know what he was saying but most would assume it was nasty. Especially if he said it with a sneer.

He rides a Harley. Maybe he could make cutting remarks about Kawasakis.

He considers himself a ‘street food connoisseur and frequents taco stands’. Could he mock Big Macs? Sonic? Tick off the midwest by questioning the veracity of Butter Burgers?

He would have the added benefit of getting taco stand frequenters calling Big Mac consumers names.

He could have Kawasaki riders blogging (anonymously and from a safe distance) about the lack of gray matter in the brains of Harley riders.

To be a viable candidate, Mr. Huntsman needs to realize the importance of being hated. Of helping Americans hate, if not each other, at least each other’s policies.

Are you with me? Can we, whether we want him for President or not, give Mr. Huntsman a fighting chance? Can we spread, if not actual hate, some intense dislike?

It looks like his only chance.

Mr. Gingrich? Just one more question please.

Today The Prude conducts a fantasy interview with Former Speaker of the House and current Republican Candidate Newt Gingrich. 

Prude: Mr. Gingrich, let me begin by noting with profound relief that your given name has no relation to the salamander family, but is short for ‘Newton’. Like the famous scientist Sir Isaac Newton.

Mr. G.: Hmmhmm.

Prude: My research yielded fascinating results. There are several astounding comparisons that could be made with famous folks.

For example, your second name is Leroy. Leroy Jethro Gibbs of the TV show NCIS has had 3 wives. Or 4 depending on which rerun you watch. You are on your 3rd wife. 

Mr. G: Hmmmm

Prude: Also, Henry the Eight switched from Catholic to Protestant after a few divorces. You switched from Protestant to Catholic after a few divorces.

Mr. G: Ummmm.

Prude: AND you lived in Hummelstown.  Which leads me to wonder if you ever considered maybe adding a little flip to your hair?

Mr. G: Hmmm?

Prude: Let’s get to some of the issues. You believe to be competitive with China we need to improve education in math and science. But you yourself are a historian. Don’t you feel that this is flip-flopping?

Mr. G: Huh?

Prude: You are interested in animals and zoos. But you ALSO are interested in dinosaurs and dinosaur research. Mr. Gingrich, this could open a can of raptors we won’t be able to close. I recommend you watch ‘Jurassic Park’ and see what happens when huge meat eating creatures are gathered into one spot for the public’s viewing pleasure.

Mr. G: Whaaa...?

Prude: And while I appreciate that you want a strong America with a balanced budget, a limited judiciary and a slew of scientists and mathematicians, the Prudes of America can’t let your following quote pass without censure:

“...We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.”

Please, Mr. Gingrich, could you PLEASE still encourage at least the neat part if you get to be President? Mr. Gingrich? Why are you grabbing your head? Oh, I see. You’ve managed to work up that little flip in your hair!

Tomorrow: Who is Jon Huntsman and why is someone saying absolutely nothing about him?