Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How to Choose a Prude-Approved Movie

People who aren’t prudes, or aren’t personally acquainted with one, may regard us as an exotic species (using exotic in the broadest possible sense to include the blandly bizarre).

If non-prudes (let’s call them Prawns– for no other reason than that Prawns sound non-prudish) ever consider Prudes and their Ways, they may wonder what criteria Prudes use to choose movies.

Your Prude can’t speak for all Prudes.
But below are several Extremely Important Considerations she takes into account:

1) The amount and expanse of epidermis on display, including:

a) actual outer epidermis.
The Prude prefers to see no more of it than Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon displayed in their beach movies
Prude Criteria for Minimal Epidermis Coverage

b) dermis and hypodermis.
These are the layers you see peeled back
b-1) during the autopsy in any crime scene investigation shows, or
b-2) horror movies. 
The Prude earnestly investigates her ceiling for spider webs during  b-1, and avoids b-2 like a flesh-eating plague.

2) The type, extent and presentation of physically contacted interpersonal relationships.

a) Kissing
Fine from the chin upward, with lips pursed, or, at most, held slightly ajar.
Many prudes would include hand to elbow in this category, but hand/arm kissing makes Your Prude up-erp a little in her mouth.

b) Family Planning via Procreation, with these categories:
b-1) inception of potential pregnancy
The Prude’s personal favorite action shots of this act include a mouth-slightly-ajar smooch between a married couple followed by a shot of the woman with a burgeoning tummy.
b-2) labor and delivery
Here, The Prude and her husband trade spaces. He is not a big fan of an in-action Miracle of Birth and takes over spider-web-on-the-ceiling inspection.

3) Violence
Prawns may be surprised to learn that, unless the violence includes copious amounts of dermis and hypodermis, The Prude is not too shook up about it in movies. Unlike Categories #1 and #2 above, movie violence is fake. Please don’t point out to her that the dermis and hypodermis are fake also. You may convince her head, but not her nausea meter.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2 of
How the Prude Chooses a Movie

No comments: