|In this one old Jack the faithful brindle bulldog dies|
Today The Prude shares her final criteria for movie-choosing.
Did you catch it from the title?
Scarred by the deaths of Old Yeller, Old Dan and Little Ann, Flag the Yearling, Midge the otter and some horse The Prude can’t remember now, she became very cautious about the books she choose.
She would read the end first to see if whatever critter she would grow to love survived past the last chapter.
Movies, especially in the Prude’s day, weren’t so easy to cheat on.
She couldn’t fast forward or skip ahead to the end.
She just had to sit, trying to keep from falling in love with whatever mammal was featured, in case it had to be killed off in the end.
(Please don’t take offense, but she could never get too worked up about the demise of amphibians. Or even Charlotte the Arachnid)
So she took to investigation–demanding that her friends and colleagues give away movie endings in the pre-VHS and DVD days, and, of course, cheating and skipping to the end once the days of movie rentals came along.
As she aged, she expanded the categories:
Does one/both of the loving parents die? (Almost any Disney movie)
Does the loving boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife die? (A Walk to Remember)
Does anything happen to one of the sweet and loving children? (My Girl)
You’ve probably noticed that as the categories expanded, her choice of movies contracted.
These days, because she doesn’t think she can watch ‘The Sound of Music’ one more time, she is trying to add in movies that violate some criteria:
She watched Enchanted even though the mother died.
She watched the Bourne movies even though the girlfriend drowned.
She watched Jane Eyre even though sweet Helen died.
She watched ‘Rascal’ even though- wait, Rascal Raccoon just got set free in the end.
She watched ‘That D*** Cat’ in spite of the cat… who lived through the violence.
She watched ‘The Incredible Journey’ and made it through–say–the dogs and cat all made it through too!
Whaddya know! The Prude’s record of watching only movies with no beloved mammal passings is unsullied!
So… anyone want to give away the ending to ‘Secretariat’?