Today was to be the day The Prude revealed her deep love of black licorice.
She was going to extol its wonderful, one-of-a-kind flavor, its health benefits and its links to her Dutch heritage.
She planned to add a subtle sneer at red ‘licorice’.
She set up a photo shoot with her stash of black licorice.
She settled at the computer, typed in ‘health benefits of black licorice’ and rubbed her hands in anticipation as the first of 180,000 results popped up.
‘Sure enough!’ she exalted. ‘There it is! Black licorice can modify blood sugar, help smokers quit, loosen mucus in sinus infections and colds, control stomach acid, treat ulcers… Yes! Now everyone will know the wonders stacked upon the culinary delight of a good piece of black licorice!’
But, just as Grendal lurked outside the mead hall, waiting to pounce on the warriors and destroy them via munching, so a tiny ‘Black Licorice Health Warning’ title hovered just on the fringes of the Google search, eager to rip her licorice love limb from juicy limb. And The Prude, drawn as a moth to a yummy article of wool clothing smothered in mothballs, opened that page.
And–and– (oh the pain) she discovered that black licorice can be lethal for those over 40.
Oh yes, you read correctly. The Prude’s beloved black licorice is a killer. A viper in the chestal region of the middle aged.
It can cause:
-abnormal heart rhythms
-high blood pressure
-congestive heart failure
and a few others she didn’t have the heart to list.
Where is the justice? The Prude has avoided dependence on tobacco, alcohol and chewing gum. She rarely uses salt and has cut way down from her daily 8 cups of coffee.
And now she learns that black licorice could be worse than all the above combined?
She declares today a day of mourning. She will don her black licorice colored clothing in commemoration.