Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Weighted Alphabet

The Prude was reflecting on Monday’s post. (The one where we paid tribute to June Cleaver and her attempt to achieve family balance with the first initials of each family member’s name). Although Family Alphabet Equilibrium may seem like a trifle, and complex in the extreme, please believe me when I tell you that it is important. I can’t explain why, you will just have to take my word for it.

I counted, and recounted, the members of my family beginning with my parents and going to the 5th generation. I listed out the first initial of each of their first names (Yes, your Prude has too much time on her hands. But this is a weighty matter!) Suddenly I recoiled in horror. And do you know what brought about this horror-filled recoiling?
The Prude discovered that the initial initials of her family are weighted heavily toward the FIRST HALF OF THE ALPHABET!
Again, this may not seem important. But you have to realize that for the universe to remain in balance, even small things such as Family Alphabet Equilibrium need to be in balance.

And the Family Prude teeter-totter is listing dangerously A-through-M-ward.

Let me illustrate:
Names beginning with A: 4 (including The Prude’s)
Names beginning with B: 3
Names beginning with C: 2
Names beginning with D: 1
Names beginning with J:- app. 10- The Prude lost count
Names beginning with K: 3
Names beginning with L: 1
Names beginning with M: 2
Total for first half of alphabet: 16 plus a plethora of J’s.

Names beginning with S: 3
 Total for second half of alphabet: 3

The weighted alphabet was in danger of falling on its nose. (be prepared- The Prude will continue to mix metaphors like mad in this post. THAT is what comes from an unbalanced universe)
But onto this tipsy family tree comes The Prude’s great-grand niece and great-grand nephew. (Being a great, great aunt does not mean The Prude is doubly wonderful, although she does have occasional spurts of amazingness. It means her niece’s son has children. This also does not mean Your Prude is elderly. Banish that thought from your mind. It only means her aunting career began at an early age.)

And what would these tiny little balance restorers be named? Nixie and Zander.
(Please note that, while Nixie does not actually begin with ‘X’, ‘X’ is precisely in the middle of her name and therefore carries a huge amount of Alphabet Weight)

Yes, little Nixie and little Zander are a wonderful first step toward Alphabet Equilibrium in the Prude’s family. But we have a long way to go. The Prude has a list of baby names she will be suggesting for her grandchildren:
Wilhelmina (Waldemar for a boy)
Xavier ( Xandy for a girl)
Yancy (Yolanda for a girl)
ZsaZsa (Zaccheus for a boy)

I urge you all to check your own Family Alphabet Equilibrium. Please feel free to share your results with Your Prude. And, if it is as out of kilter as The Prude’s, please, for the sake of Universal Balance, do something to rectify it. You may need to begin with changing your own name.


Beth said...

Is this a subtle way of letting us know that you are going to be a grandmother in less than nine months? :-)

Mark F. said...

Beth, that is how rumors get started!

Tammy said...

Whew - My immediate family is in balance: 3 - 4. I will stop there because (a)I have time restraints and (b) the rest of my family tree is too tangled and, most certainly, unbalanced.

faultersack said...
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Lori said...

We have an L, M, P and S, but Paige's middle name is Elizabeth to help balance us out.
I grew up in a fairly balanced home too-- D,L,N,N,and S (just in case anyone really cares). We tend to prefer those middling names, but err just a bit to the right of middle.

The Prude said...

'err to right of middle'

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Zoe, Zane, Zach, Uriah.
_ Joanie

dljatj said...

I understand your preoccupation with names and the alphabet, but my focus has been on last names instead of first names. As a kindergartner I was always put last in line because my last name began with "S". I felt sorry for the new girl in class who came mid-year, as she had to stand behind me with a last name beginning with "W". I decided that a girl's goal in marriage should be to "marry up" the alphabet. I succeeded, as my last name now begins with "J".

Danielle said...

Very intersting name recommendations.... When the time comes we will perhaps consider those if it will give you some much needed peace. ;)