Thursday, October 7, 2010

An Open Lecture to the 80's and 90's

Your Prude is indignant this morning. Indignant with the entire final fifth of the 20th century.  The 80’s and the 90’s were naughty, naughty decades and if The Prude had them in front of her this morning she would give them a lecture that would set their ears ablaze. YES! A lecture. That is just what they need. What follows is a scathing lecture to the twenty most incorrigible years EVER. (Prudes enjoy making blanket statements)

                                                        Open Lecture to the 80’s and 90’s.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves. You have the place of honor in a great century. You were to be the crescendo, the closing chapters of the great songbook of the 20th century!  But no! You would only give us a saucy cacophony of indecent songs that make any decent person blush. 

Look at those decades that preceded you and  their Trifling Tunes. They may seem inconsequential and trivial, but their importance has been demonstrated at length in this very blog. We have the folks of the first several decades innocently singing the praises of food- bananas (or lack thereof), shortenin’ bread, ice cream, oats and ivy, and meatballs atop or rolling away from spaghetti. But these songs also represented something much larger than the banal words and perky tunes. They MEANT something. (As has been demonstrated at length in this blog.)

And what do YOU come up with, ‘80’s?
‘Eat It’ by Weird Al. Where is the subtlety? The originality? The underlying message? DON’T bother telling me I used to smile when I heard the lyrics. That is beside the point. ‘Eat It’ will not change lives. The angst represented in ‘I Scream for Ice Cream’ and the plea to Save our Animals so movingly demonstrated in ‘Mairzey Doats’ are utterly lacking in ‘Eat It’. Parodies never saved the planet the way ‘Dead Skunk’ did.

Do I see you laughing, ‘90’s? Do you think you are getting away with something just because I’ve been focusing on ‘80’s? I saved you for last! Your Trifling Tunes are so racy and improper that I am speechless. (what? Why am I still talking if I am speechless?
Don’t you know Prudes always express outraged speechlessness in a plethora of words?)
I could not reproduce one single ‘90’s silly song on my blog because every one violates the Code of Prude Ethics (COPE). Your crowning achievement of 2000 (which, as anyone knows, is technically the end of the 200th decade) is a song called ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’
The only acceptable part is:
Who let the dogs out
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
Compare this with that wonderfully liberating tune from your wiser, more mature sibling, ‘50’s. ‘How Much is That Doggie in the Window (arf arf)’
‘Arf’ is more dignified, civilized and melodious than ‘woof’. The 50’s song and that entire 10 years are more dignified, civilized and melodious than yours. You should be ashamed. You can go now ‘90’s. The way you are rolling your eyes I can tell you are beyond the power of a respectable lecture. I only hope we NEVER have another decade with despicable trifling tunes like yours.

‘80’s. You have one redeeming song and I want to commend you for it. It is a song that links both halves of your great century together. A song that has not one offensive line or note. A song that encourages us all, throughout the ages, regardless of race, creed, or food preferences, to raise our hand up to our fellow humans, and poke them right in the eyes.
Thank you, ‘80’s, for ‘The Curly Shuffle’. It covers a multitude of naughty songs. You can go to your room now and think about our little talk. But first, let’s sing together:

When me & my friends go out on the town.
We can't sit still we can't sit down.
We don't like to fight and we don't like to scuffle.
But we dance all night doing the Curly Shuffle.

Hey Moe, Hey Moe (Hey Moe, Hey Moe) nyah nyah....
But we never miss a chance, we get up and dance
doing the Curly Shuffle.

Well me & my friends love Larry & Moe.
We love Curly's brother Shemp & his fat clone Joe.
It's such a delight to boogie and hustle.
Dancin' all night doing the Curly Shuffle.

Me & my friends we all love to see.
Comedy classics on late night TV.
Those knuckle heads, oh they get in a scuffle.
They push & they shove doing the Curly Shuffle.

TOMORROW: We will discuss something-anything- that does not involve music.

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