Thursday, October 28, 2010

Scary Week Day 4: Fear of Four-Footed 'Friends'

Immediately The Prude needs to make a clarification. In today’s post will be avian ‘friends’ with 2 legs, insect ‘friends’ with 6 legs and fishy ‘friends’ with no legs. But The Prude loves alliteration and has no qualms about fudging her facts. We call it poetic license and we make no apologies.

The Prude has spent Scary Week trying to convince you that there is always, somewhere, something to fear.  Today we are on a photojournalistic jaunt - more of a safari, really - into the animal kingdom that surrounds us. On all sides. All the time. Even when you can’t see it.  If you aren’t afraid yet, just keep reading. You will be.

Frightening animal #1

This bald eagle sits in front of this house. Day after day, year after year. It doesn’t move. It just glares at passing cars and dares anyone, ANYONE to come close enough to see if it is real. I double dog dare you.

Frightening animal(s) #2

Speaking of winged menaces, if you are not afraid of a flock of birds, you have not been paying attention. The Prude recommends you watch a movie titled, pithily, ‘The Birds’
Birds, however,  are equally lethal at their north and their south poles. Just ask any woman sporting a beehive hairdo in the 1960’s. They were known to walk around unawares for hours, with a blob of whatever-the-bird-ate-yesterday perched high in their coiffure. Many of these same women immediately screeched their way to their hairdressers. Few people know we have leaky birds to thank for the other 60’s hair craze- The Pixie Cut.

Frightening animal #3

It doesn’t matter one whit that this hair-raising fish is dead and mounted on the wall. The only reason no one has made a horror movie starring this ravenous walleye is because (a) they haven’t seen this ravenous walleye yet, or (b) the movie would be so terrifying it would be banned in movie theaters across the globe.

Frightening animal #4a

This only looks like an adorable, furry little best friend. Look at the vegetation where Little Miss Adorable’s eye and chin should be. Obviously her body is being slowly possessed by, and turned into, a birch tree.

Frightening animal # 4b

Man’s best friend gone mad. And she walks among us. And her name is Lucy.

Frightening animal(s) #5

It is alarming enough that black angus calves can leap over barbed wire fences.
It becomes harrowing when they begin to frolic, willy-nilly, by the cornfields. But it is downright bone-chilling when they get mount a 4-wheeler and cavort about the countryside terrorizing innocent farmyards.

Frightening animal #6

What is so alarming about a single little box elder bug, you ask? Besides the fact that at any moment he/she will become the father/mother of 10,000 little offspring, and 20 minutes later will become grandpa/grandma to 10,000 to the 10,000th power? (The Prude was a little fuzzy on exponents) What should really have you quaking is that this tenacious bug is keeping its grip in 58 mph winds. There is no escape. They are going to take over the world. Wait till tomorrow’s post and you’ll see.

The Prude could show you so much more, but since she doesn’t want you so traumatized that you won’t return tomorrow. So she will leave you with one final disturbing creature:

Frightening animal #7

The human-haired bison.  The Prude apologizes for any ensuing nightmares this may cause and directs you and your therapy bills to her firstborn. Buffalo Boy.


Wallydraigle said...

Aw, look! Your oldest made a cat!

Box elder bugs. I hate them. For a million reasons. I'm not scared of them, though when one lands on me, my first thought is, "SPIDER!" so I guess they scare me in that sense. No, I just hate them. I hate that they litter my floors the moment I finish sweeping, vacuuming and scrubbing (which only happens one every couple of weeks, so it's a Big Deal). I hate that when I go to vacuum them up, they HANG ON. This vacuum cleaner could suck super glue up. But not box elder bugs. I hate everything about them. My house had a box elder coat on its south outer wall all fall. And they're still here! Why aren't they hibernating yet?

The Prude said...

Why aren't they hibernating yet?
Something else to worry about...

Wallydraigle said...

They're gearing up for the Box Elderpocalypse. The world isn't going to end in flames; it's going to end in wings and legs.

The Prude said...

Oh goodness, that last 2nd-to-the-last paragraph is shameful! Three 'so's' and an incomplete sentence!
I can't even blame it on coffee deprivation!

The Prude said...

Box Elderpocalypse.
You need to be my guest blogger. You know, in your spare time.
BTW I tried commenting on your new blog and was utterly rejected.

Tammy said...

Ewww! That last one actually scared me! LOL!

Wallydraigle said...

Augh. Blogger makes me crazy sometimes. There are like four people who can't comment. I'm going to go look at my comment moderation settings now.

The Prude said...

Just so you know I am reading it in admiration.

Danielle said...

I love the monk and the leaves! Brilliant! :) And Sam's hair bison is ick, ick, ICKY!