Friday, October 15, 2010

Peruse the News with the Prude

Today The Prude introduces another type of post. On Fridays, or any other day when Your Prude is desperately casting about in the flotsam and jetsam (introduced yesterday) of her being for Things on Which to Write, we will ‘Peruse the News with the Prude’. Together we will dissect some of the top news stories from around the globe and discover all that is wrong with the world.

First we join the Georgians of Georgia-the-country not Georgia-the-state in wishing a Happy 1700th Anniversary of the Svetiskoveli Cathedral in Miskhala near Tbilisi. While it may seem there is nothing more of which to disapprove than the extreme fire hazard caused by 1700 candles, The Prude actually approaches this story with mixed emotions. She looks at ‘Svetiskoveli’  ‘Miskhala’ and  ‘Tbilisi’ and can only dream of what she could do if proper nouns were allowed in Scrabble.

Let’s dash to the other side of the Ural Mountains and visit Germany, where a leftover WWII bomb was detonated.  While the detonation was no doubt noisy and potentially dangerous, that is not what earns our disapproval. We disapprove of the 9 tons (18,000 pounds /oodles of kilograms) of straw used to smother the blast. Where did all that straw go? The Prude is guessing it will be showing up in lederhosen and wiener schnitzel for weeks to come. Messy, messy, messy.

Our next news flash comes from high in the stratosphere. Researchers have spent countless hours and all kinds of money and experimented on innocent food groups to learn that airplane food tastes bland because the noise of the plane engines dulls the tastebuds. Can you see what is wrong here? That’s right! Where did they find an airline that still serves food? (The Prude will consult her own panel of experts, ( Captain Mark) to verify this rumor)

In an  unrelated food report, the Radio Academy Hall of Fame in England will be inducting a DJ whose name is ‘Hairy Cornflake’.  If you cannot figure out what is wrong with this story The Prude is  not doing her job.

Over here in the States, a young woman running for a Senate seat admitted to dabbling in witchcraft. The Prude, while naturally disapproving of the black arts (although she did watch ‘Bewitched’ as a child), wonders pragmatically if, given the current fascination with vampires, the candidate could have gained more approval by claiming ancestry with Count Dracula.

Back to Great Britain with our very own Governor Schwarzenegger. He met with the Prime Minister, shook his hand, and encouraged him not to be an ‘economic girlyman’. The Prime Minister, nursing his squashed hand, expressed a sincere desire that Arnold ‘terminate the deficit’ in England.  Now, my friends, what needs disapproval in this story? If you guessed ‘The Governor’s pink polka dotted power tie’ you are exactly correct. It is hard to menace a deficit wearing a tie designed by Strawberry Shortcake.

For our final analysis we will save travel time and stay in England, where we learn that, in the interests of public safety, London (The City of No Pain) restaurants have banned toothpicks, hairdresser trainees are banned from using scissors, and at a recent pancake race held in the rain, contestants were urged to walk, not run, to avoid injury.
We will have multiple choice here for what is wrong: (hint- they are all right)
A. personal injury lawyers must be going bankrupt in the UK
B. Since ‘seven and a half million Britons have failed to gain access to an NHS dentist in the past two years’ can we let the poor blighters (The Prude is not up on English slang, and sincerely hopes ‘blighters’ has no bad connotations) have a lousy toothpick, for pity’s sake?
C. Pancake races in the rain? What do they do with the pancakes when the race-walk is over? Feed them to the 7.5 million Brits with underprivileged teeth?
D. Hairdresser trainees, take heart. The law says you can’t use scissors, but that leaves the razor option wide open.
E. All of the above.

Our PRUDE APPROVED story of the day goes to the mother who bore her 3 children on 8/8/08, 9/9/09, and 10/10/10, respectively. This organized woman has brought her own twist to family planning. She has The Prude’s approval. And hopefully a nanny.

Have a wonderful weekend- Hasta la Vista Baby!


Tammy said...

Dear friend, if only you could provide your unique view on current events on a regular basis, you would spare me endless hours of pent up frustration and worry.

Well done.

The Prude said...

I am happy to spare you pent frustration whenever possible. And Tammy? Don't run with toothpicks.

Lori said...

Your loyal follower believes you have now found your never-ending source of ideas for those writers'block mornings. Terrific today, and always.

Mark F. said...


Captain Mark has no comment other than to say, fly first class and enjoy the food, the leg room, the wide seat, etc. Just don't think about the additional required renumeration, and all is well. Wait, wait, come to think of it, some airlines don't offer first class, but watch out for the baggage police!