The Prude has big plans for tomorrow’s post. It will be a sentimental, photo-journalistic piece. It will require a great deal of thought. The Prude needs to save her strength and creativity, so today she is taking it easy. She will alarm you (as she is alarmed) by foremost news stories.
Note- please don’t panic too much over these perturbing stories. Remember, as Papa Prude often said, “This too will pass.” To make way for the catastrophes of tomorrow.
1) The landing gear on a Canadian airplane didn’t open fully, necessitating a rough landing for all aboard. It is the 5th time in a year these Canadian airplanes' landing gear didn’t perform up to expectations. Canada is coming out of its shell, determined to compete with China in the recall arena. Next time you fly on a Canadian airplane, ask if they packed a spare set of landing gear. And reflect on the fact that while it is called a Canadian airplane, the honking winged creatures are called CANADA geese.
2) A heretofore undiscovered crater, never before seen by human eyes, was discovered on a Google Map. The scientific community is a-flutter with excitement, but the rest of us should be very afraid. Besides the obvious danger of meteors or other chucks of the solar system lurking in our stratosphere, ready to bombard us, we should be concerned that:
a) hitherto undiscovered craters could be lurking among us, disguised as ol’swimmin’ holes, cattle reservoirs, or Yankee Stadium.
b) Google Maps can be the Christopher Columbus of Crater discovery, but it can’t locate
the south suburbs (and there are many of them) of Chicago. (see yesterday’s post. Please.)
3) In sports news:
a) Tampa Bay’s baseball team, which has CLINCHED A PLAYOFF BERTH ( for you non-sporting types, this means they are really good) are giving away thousands of tickets because no one comes to see them play.
This should concern us because:
did you know Tampa Bay isn’t a town? It really is just a bay! Since most residents of Tampa Bay likely have fins or scales, the likelihood of those 20,000 tickets being snapped up is minimal.
b) Opposing coaches of 2 Texas Pee-Wee football teams engaged in fisticuffs with each other during a playoff game. The brawl meant both teams were sent home and barred from post-season play. This should concern us because:
why on earth would coaches from TEXAS let their teams be referred to as PEEWEE?
This sort of built-up rage could explode in peewee leagues in Montana, California and Alaska. Rhode Island, on the other hand, considers ‘PeeWee’ to be an upgrade.
c) A Green Bay Packer player threw his mouthpiece at a heckling Chicago Bear fan.
This should concern us because:
The Packer did not wipe off his mouthpiece and sanitize it before throwing it
4) A restaurant somewhere in the continental United States has wine that cost $900 a glass! This should concern us because:
-there are likely no free refills
5) When a thermometer in LA saw the temperature hit 113 degrees, it quit. It flat out refused to record any higher temperature. Anything above 113 was not in its contract, dadgum it (excuse the harsh language). Now no one knows what temperature was actually reached. The thermometer isn’t talking till the terms of its contract are renegotiated. This should concern us because:
Is this a trend? Will thermometers everywhere refuse to record temperatures? What will be the effect on the outer-clothing industry? The weatherman industry? The almanac industry? The people who bet on high and low temperatures at office pools?
But finally, the Good news of the day. No, not the reopening of the Grand Ol Opry.
COFFEE DAY! Rejoice!
And here is your homework assignment. Look over each of the above disturbing news stories and see how they could have been better with the simple addition of one of the world’s greatest discoveries- COFFEE.