Wednesday, May 30, 2012

When shirts are shiftless

Shirts, for much too long, have been less than diligent in performing shirt duties. The primary job is to cover flesh. As much flesh as possible. There should be shirt to spare, for instances when arms lift over heads or kneeling/bending/sitting postures are assumed.

Shirts that actually do what they were born to do are in short shrift.
The bottoms of shirts and the tops of bottoms barely have a passing acquaintance with each other. Sometimes they can’t even see each other.
Young men have to appear in public wearing shirts and pants with irreconcilable differences, and become unwitting advertising pawns for the manufacturers of their undergarments.
Young women, (and, tragically, some not-so-young women) also struggle with shirts that have taken out a restraining order against their pants.
The ladies either tug shirts down, pants up, or give up the fight altogether and just allow their flesh to hang out in public.
Some poor females, in a futile attempt to do what their shirts refuse to, place tattoos in that strategic no-man’s land area between shirt bottoms and bottom tops. My heart bleeds for these young women (and, tragically, some not-so-young women) who hope the butterfly splayed across the lower spine can achieve the modesty of a good, long shirt.

But (oh joy!)
Someone invented the greatest modesty-assister since suspenders.
I saw it advertised during a recent episode of ‘Murder, She Wrote’.
The Trendy Top is a little band of fabric that goes under one’s miserly shirt and spans the wasteland between tops and bottoms.
All flesh in the mid-section is covered in your choice of 4 fashionable colors.
Instant modesty!
The inventor of Trendy Tops deserves a holiday named for her/him.

My only complaint is that, at this point, Trendy Tops are just being marketed to women.
I plan to write to the manufacturers and suggest they add camouflage and possibly a nice little skull pattern. The young men of the world will be clamoring for a Trendy Top of their own.

I’ll be purchasing these by the gross and never again be stuck for a birthday/bridal shower/bat mitzvah gift idea.


Sue Vick Finley said...

Yes! Perfect! Trendy Tops, bring them on!

Lori Lipsky said...

Funny. I'm glad Trendy Tops is giving you some comfort, Prude.

Susan said...

Laughed out loud. You have a great way with words..."my heart bleeds for these young women"...ahahaha!

Robin J. Steinweg said...

Um, Susan,
...and tragically, some not-so-young women! ...ahahaha! :)

Go for it, Prude: a national coverup!