Thursday, July 21, 2011

Canada, you’ve got some ‘splainin to do.

A headline in The Prude’s paper this morning reads:

Seems there is cool air in the northern hemisphere; Canada is just hogging it.
It is ‘trapped’ there. Presumably against its will.

Them are fightin’ words.

The Prude suggests we storm Canada and take some of that cool air for ourselves.

But wait.  Although many loyal and sweaty Americans are willing to heed the call of patriotism and take by force what Canada holds, only 37% of us can go.
That is the percentage of Americans who carry passports.
Canada won’t let us storm them without a valid passport at the border.

And what if the cool air is trapped in Quebec? How many Americans can state our legitimate demands in French?
Only 17% of us great red white and blue-blooders speak French.

Our battle force is dwindling.
The Prude assumes several million meat-consumng men will refuse to go in case they have to eat Canadian bacon. How can a rotund sliver of meat that doesn’t drip grease be called ‘bacon’?

Then we have those traumatized by playing soccer on fields that were actually huge restrooms for Canada geese.
They’ll hang back, along with their fellow loyal Americans who believe that just across the border is a land perpetually swathed in ice and snow.
So who is left to go and rescue the cool air we so desperately need here in the US of A?
The Prude hears rumbling from those who resent Canada’s first dibs on Will and Kate’s visit.
Add some crazed hockey fans who see red when the maple leaf flag is hoisted, a few tourist industry folks who begrudge sharing Niagara Falls with Canada
and we may just have the lean, mean fighting machine required to invade a sovereign nation.
Who shall lead?
The Prude? She does, after all, know all the words of ‘Oh Canada’
But she doesn’t have a passport.
Maybe the cold air will escape and emigrate to the US. Let’s hope all the hot air generated in Washington DC right now doesn’t kill it before it can land.
*Julie Shirley/Wisconsin State Journal.