Tuesday Stew: William Tell Underachieved

The Tuesday Stew confronts coffee makers who believe they are brewers of fine, aged wine, who care not that coffee consumers need coffee in a flash,

not 5 decades hence.

What follows is the story of a typical coffee-making adventure.

We call this genre ‘tragedy’.

The coffee is measured into the filter, water poured in the tank, the on button firmly pushed in the ‘on’ position.

Coffee Drinker stares at coffee maker but he is dozing.

Coffee Drinker whacks him gently upside the head.

He coughs apologetically. He winks his little light and squeezes out a drop of coffee.

He promptly goes back to sleep.

The coffee drinker stamps her foot. He is startled out of a lovely dream, makes

a frantic, gurgling noise and squirts out an involuntary drop of coffee .

Coffee Drinker, thinking the noises and drop indicate high motivation, goes to get dressed, assuming she will return to a pot of freshly brewed coffee.

She doesn’t realize his abrupt awakening confused him. He couldn’t remember his name, much less his purpose.

He squirts out an absent-minded drop of coffee while mulling over what he was going to do for the day.

Coffee Drinker returns and screams.

He is startled. But he remembers what he was going to do!

He gets busy.

He begins to hum. Something soft and sweet. He emits another gentle drop. Coffee drinker glares threateningly. He switches to ‘William Tell Overture’.

Tadadum tadadum tada dum, dum, dum (drop) tada dum, tadadum, tadadumdumdum (2 drops)

And so it goes. He hums, gurgles, snorts and groans his way through the entire opera and by the time it is done he has emanated, drop by dramatic drop, ¾ of a cup of coffee.

He looks triumphantly to Coffee Drinker, who is by this time lying prone on the floor, her mug arm extended entreatingly toward him.

His work is done.

He returns to the sleep of the just,

and dreams of watching oak trees grow, Pluto orbiting the sun, and a tortoise on a road trip across Nebraska.