The Prude was recently pruning recalcitrant branches from a rosebush, and as one thing is wont to lead to another in the way of things, she began humming a song from her rock- and-roll-hootchie-coo days.
The chorus. as sung by a group so winsomely named ‘Poison’, goes something like this:
‘Every rose has its thorn,
just like every night has its dawn,
just like every cowboy has a sad, sad song,
blah.blah, so and so and so.’
And therein lies my problem, and your problem too. The chorus brazenly trumpets the deadly rot eating away at the heart of American language and song, to whit,
Faulty Logical Parallel Structure.
Parallel Structure, as anyone knows, concerns the similarity in structure between ideas and grammatical form. And although the Prude has to admit that grammatically the above phrasing is above reproach (with the exception of using ‘like’ instead of the infinitely preferable ‘as’), please PLEASE look at the ideas represented above.
A thorn to a rose may be what a sad song is to a cowboy.
But isn’t dawn to night a positive thing? Unless, that it, you are a vampire?
(don’t even get The Prude started on the Twilight series vampires)
The Prude may generously deduce that dawn WAS, in fact, a sad thing for the young gentlemen of the 80’s group Poison. Upon awakening, after a night of dissolute debauchery with an excess of strong drink and women of questionable character, they caught a glimpse of their Shirley Temple-meets-Medusa hairdos and promptly drew the blinds.
Someday The Prude may interview every cowboy to check on the statement that every cowboy has a sad sad song. Then she may need to write on the creeping blight of Overgeneralization.
Till then, I have taken the liberty to change the lyrics:
‘Every non-hybrid rose has its thorn,
Just as every night has no sun above the horizon
Just as every cowboy can identify a co-ow
Blah,blah, so and so and so.’
The beauty of the Faultless Parallelism and Veracity will grow on you. The Prude loves this song already.
TOMORROW: Blissful Use of Euphemisms