Having trouble deciding which candidate to back for the presidency?
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the
Ideal Leader for our Nation!
He is a white Anglo Saxon.
(we lost a few diversity people there. Oh dear)
He is a religious man.
(What religion, you asked? Is he INTOLERANT? Wait, don’t leave before I explain...)
He has demonstrated genius on the battlefield.
(Would somebody PLEASE stop those pacifists at the door? I don’t care if they are kicking you!)
He’s a proponent of public education…
(Hold on, homeschoolers and private education buffs! Hear me out!)
He believes in a strong system of self-defense!
(I see the pacifists have successfully fought their way out the door but at least the concealed-carry folks are listening)
He is a great supporter of local commerce and government!
(If that doesn’t get the ‘buy locally’ group and states’ rights defenders attention, nothing will)
He gives away land for free! What is not to like?
(What was that? I can’t hear, the Real Estate Association is drowning me out)
You want to know if he has been thoroughly vetted? Are there any skeletons in his closet?
No! The guy is clean. Although he is a lousy cook. And rumor has it his physical ailment requires copious amounts of Preparation H.
His name?
Alfred the Great! Ruler of England from 871 to 899!
Eh?
What seems to be the problem?
Oh blast.
I never thought of that.
You’re right. He doesn’t have an American birth certificate.
