ABC’s Ad Nauseum, 123’s to Infinity

When The Prude was in her childbearing years, mothers were encouraged to communicate with their as-yet-unborn children, preferably by singing and making melody, to give the developing baby’s intelligence a head start.  Realizing that a tone deaf mother singing off-key to her expected child could have long term and adverse effects on that child, The Prude contented herself with talking to her tummy. Mostly she begged, “Don’t hurt me.”

Today parents are encouraged to begin educating a child immediately at birth, on the assumption that 9 months of in utero music lessons has produced an infant with the reasoning ability of a 4-year-old born in the ignorant 1950’s.

What kind of a world does this precocious little one find awaiting her?

One saturated with letters and numbers. In her crib baby looks up at a mobile with an alphabet blinking in time to Brahm’s Lullaby. Her crib sheet is printed with numerals 1-9.  Letters cover her sleeper and numbers dance across her diaper.

Benevolent toy makers join the chorus. Combining the ‘sing to smarten baby’ theory with ‘your baby can read before he walks’ , toys sing the alphabet to baby and croon numbers in his little ear.

Behold the children’s book section of your library or bookstore: thousands- nay, tens of thousands of ABC and/or 123 books.

Can baby escape to television? Everyone from singing rodents to crazed Elmos to evil geniuses are committed to teach baby reading and arithmetic.  There is no refuge in food - their pasta, their cereal, their cut-out cookies all surround our besieged little ones in shapes of numbers and letters.

The Prude is afraid. Knowing, as a human, what human nature is like, she realizes that too much of any good thing turns children into little rebels with heartburn. She pictures future generations of children who, upon seeing any of those 26 letters, run to the restroom in a fit of nausea. Children who scribble out the numbers on their clothing, linoleum, snack food and gym equipment in a frenzy of reverse-graffitism.

Could we be creating a society of people who would rather count on their fingers and toes than use the base 10 number system? Will they attempt to resurrect Ancient Sanskrit in a violent reaction to singing, dancing letters of the alphabet?

Parents, The Prude understands your desire for intelligent children. She begs you however, to exercise some balanced restraint. Because if the alphabet revolution comes too soon, she may have to learn Sanskrit to communicate with her grandchildren.

The Weighted Alphabet

The Prude was reflecting on Monday’s post. (The one where we paid tribute to June Cleaver and her attempt to achieve family balance with the first initials of each family member’s name). Although Family Alphabet Equilibrium may seem like a trifle, and complex in the extreme, please believe me when I tell you that it is important. I can’t explain why, you will just have to take my word for it.

I counted, and recounted, the members of my family beginning with my parents and going to the 5th generation. I listed out the first initial of each of their first names (Yes, your Prude has too much time on her hands. But this is a weighty matter!) Suddenly I recoiled in horror. And do you know what brought about this horror-filled recoiling?
The Prude discovered that the initial initials of her family are weighted heavily toward the FIRST HALF OF THE ALPHABET!
Again, this may not seem important. But you have to realize that for the universe to remain in balance, even small things such as Family Alphabet Equilibrium need to be in balance.

And the Family Prude teeter-totter is listing dangerously A-through-M-ward.

Let me illustrate:
Names beginning with A: 4 (including The Prude’s)
Names beginning with B: 3
Names beginning with C: 2
Names beginning with D: 1
Names beginning with J:- app. 10- The Prude lost count
Names beginning with K: 3
Names beginning with L: 1
Names beginning with M: 2
Total for first half of alphabet: 16 plus a plethora of J’s.

Names beginning with S: 3
 Total for second half of alphabet: 3

The weighted alphabet was in danger of falling on its nose. (be prepared- The Prude will continue to mix metaphors like mad in this post. THAT is what comes from an unbalanced universe)
But onto this tipsy family tree comes The Prude’s great-grand niece and great-grand nephew. (Being a great, great aunt does not mean The Prude is doubly wonderful, although she does have occasional spurts of amazingness. It means her niece’s son has children. This also does not mean Your Prude is elderly. Banish that thought from your mind. It only means her aunting career began at an early age.)

And what would these tiny little balance restorers be named? Nixie and Zander.
(Please note that, while Nixie does not actually begin with ‘X’, ‘X’ is precisely in the middle of her name and therefore carries a huge amount of Alphabet Weight)

Yes, little Nixie and little Zander are a wonderful first step toward Alphabet Equilibrium in the Prude’s family. But we have a long way to go. The Prude has a list of baby names she will be suggesting for her grandchildren:
Wilhelmina (Waldemar for a boy)
Xavier ( Xandy for a girl)
Yancy (Yolanda for a girl)
ZsaZsa (Zaccheus for a boy)

I urge you all to check your own Family Alphabet Equilibrium. Please feel free to share your results with Your Prude. And, if it is as out of kilter as The Prude’s, please, for the sake of Universal Balance, do something to rectify it. You may need to begin with changing your own name.