IF A PRUDE RAN THE OLYMPICS

If a prude ran the Olympics,
NBC would not have cut away from an opening ceremony tribute to terrorist attack victims for an interview by Ryan Seacrest with Michael Phelps. Seacrest and Phelps are, of course, quiet and elusive, and coverage of them is tough to come by. But America missed an opportunity to join in mourning, we missed the opportunity to hear the old hymn ‘Abide With Me’ sung with pure simplicity by Emile Sande, and we lost the chance to prove to the secular world that Christian hymnody is not limited to ‘Amazing Grace’.

If a prude ran the Olympics, 
she would have hired better uniform pattern inspectors.
Somehow the pattern for the female gymnasts uniforma, with its deficient bottom coverage, got flipped upside down and sent to the tailor for the female swimmers. As expected,the deficient coverage moved to the top. The result was that our women gymnasts and swimmers spent precious muscle and concentration pulling and tugging and tucking themselves into their suits.

If a prude ran the Olympics,
she would remind newscasters that syllables are not in such short supply that we can’t spare a few and refer to the gold medal tumblers as the ‘Women’s Gymnastic Team’ instead of the ‘Fab Five’. Announcers have no problem wasting literally billions of syllables in their commentaries. Why the sudden coyness with the gymnasts? C’mon folks. Throw caution to the winds and splurge on those extra four syllables. Please.

If a prude ran the Olympics, 
she would argue that, although honoring our roots is a good thing, and tradition is dandy, let’s not return to the days of the original Olympics in ancient Greece and have our athletes perform in the all-together. No doubt the male divers are just being all historical and nostalgic with their ‘almost all-together’ Speedos, but some notions from the good old days are better disregarded.

If a prude ran the Olympics,
she would spot all the female runners a couple hundredths of a second. Then they could wear a nice pair of sweats and wouldn’t have to worry about lack of aerodynamics.

If THIS prude ran the Olympics she would demand that whenever the Dutch win a gold medal, we televise the ceremony. We could watch the winner on the platform sing these stirring words of the national anthem of the Netherlands, and get all teared up:

William of Nassau am I, of Germanic descent;

True to the fatherland I remain until death.

Prince of Orange am I, free and fearless.

To the King of Spain I have always given honour.