I can’t HEAR you!

Are you planning to run for public office soon?

Do you hanker to be a radio talk show host?

Or possibly you photograph well and would love to have a cable news show?

If so, you need to start training NOW.

1) Hire a speech pathologist. You need to modulate your voice. Work on the major tones of sneer, patronize and ridicule, but don’t ignore the minor timbres of long-suffering and total disbelief.

2) Work on your dexterity. You must be able simultaneously to roll your eyes, flap your hand, grasp your heart and point your finger.

3) Start taking one of those vitamin supplements that help increase your focus. This will enable you to continue speaking over, through and around anyone verbalizing an opinion at variance with yours. When you get really good you will be able to incorporate steps # 2 & #5 into a simultaneous stereophonic ‘debate’.

4) It pays to increase your word power! Memorize this list and all synonyms for:

idiot/moron

despicable/shame (or lack thereof)

radical

Nazi/Hitler/facist/racist

left winger/right winger

wishy-washy/flip-flopper

evil/ignorant

as we know it/in our time

5) Eat carrots! You need to develop the keen, eagle-eyesight that can pick one small bony mouse of contention from a forest of vital issues. You should focus on it and it only.

6) Learn yoga. It strengthens the diaphragm, which will send more air volume to tickle your vocal cords and magnify the sound of your voice. Because #’s 1-5 above have zero effect if no one can hear you.

That should be enough to start with! Happy training, future politicos and media pundits! We’ll be hearing from you!